Anime Review – BlazBlue: Alter Memory

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Requested by Anonymous!

I can’t remember the last time I watched an anime that had this many anime cliches in it! The series opens with an angsty man in a ridiculous outfit fighting a psycho girl with a firm behind that can transform, while Gin Ichimaru watches from afar with a smirk on his face. I was starting to feel like I was watching a stew of tropes, which is surprising because this is based on the famous series of the same name.

I should point out right now that, due to my lack of knowledge of the games, I decided to watch the anime first then learn more about it afterwards. This was a massive mistake, as it quite quickly became clear that this anime is made for fans, and isn’t interested in newcomers like myself. To be fair though, if I was a fan of this franchise, this anime is probably exactly what I would want.

The story mostly focuses on Ragna the Bloodedge, so called because he is so edgy and cool that his name needs to reflect that as much as possible. Even Shadow the Hedgehog can’t handle this much edginess! And not only is he packing edge, he is also packing something big in those boxers…

 

Real protagonists always wake up screaming. Pussies like Naruto or LeLouch would never understand.

 

Cliches! In fact, Ragna might be one of the most cliche characters I have ever seen, and I wish I could enjoy it but sadly, I cannot. He is so broody, annoyed by the more ridiculous companions in his life (including an insufferable hood-wearing cat girl that really overstays her welcome after 2 minutes of screentime), wakes up from bad dreams while saying the name of a girl from his past, has a dark power he needs to control, an evil brother… The list goes on. Maybe if Blazblue had joked about it, enjoyed the cliches and turned them on their head somewhat, this could have been a lot more fun. Instead, it comes across as dull and cringing.

I feel like I’ve seen her a million times,even though this is our first meeting.

Another character that also managed to get on my nerveswas Rachel Alucard, the gothic “lolita” trope that acts as an observer rather than a contestant. She would occasionally pop up during the story to say some cryptic bullshit, none of which was helpful or added anything to the plot. When you flat-out refuse to tell the heroes what is going on and try to sound philosophical instead, it doesn’t make you cool. It makes you a total dick.

That outfit is distractedly inappropriate for battle!

You’re now probably wondering why I haven’t talked about the story yet… Well, I’m sad to say I couldn’t finish the series. I didn’t want to, not because I hated it but because I didn’t understand what the fuck the story was. Nothing is explained in any capacity to the audience, instead just throwing words and terms around like it’s a crossword on Christmas. It’s a confusing and intolerable mess, and so poorly explained too.

From what little I could make of the story, which is a surprising amount considering, Ragna was caught in a time-loop where he was fighting a bitchy cyborg over and over again, but the sudden appearance of a woman called Noel Vermillion caused him to break the loop. Meanwhile, there are bounty hunters, like the top-hat boy in glasses who looks like Black fromĀ Blood Blockade Battlefront, which are after the special dark magic he can’t control, and the bounty that he is worth, which is a lot because of reasons that the series won’t tell me.

I literally have no idea what is going on with this character. I don’t even know where to begin…

I stopped watching during episode 3, when a giant monster made of Tron-shit suddenly shot a laser at Rachel then left for four years because Rachel said so. And that was when I realised I couldn’t finish the series, despite it only being made of 12 episodes, because this was just one more mystery on top of all the others that I was sure the series would never bother to explain.

I MISSED A FANSERVICE EPISODE?!?! Damn you all!
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Born under the stars of the Dark Gods, Shiggins owns the power of the Great Eye and is utterly magnificent in his omniscience. If you dare to discover more about someone as great as him, then go ahead. And to all my friends and family members, YOU are wrong and I should be disappointed! Not the other way round!